....

::warning-this post contains material that could be considered graphic::

I guess it's best to start at the beginning. At the end of January I received a positive test result from not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests. Doug and I were ecstatic. We had been trying for a few months, though not too seriously, just sort of a "see-what-happens" mentality. We told our immediate family right away, but decided to wait a while to tell our friends and coworkers to make sure everything was ok. Fast forward to today. I started out this morning having some light cramping, but the doctor had told me that was relatively normal during the first trimester so I wasn't worried. Then I noticed some spotting. Again, nothing to cause major alarm but I started trying to get through to the doctor's office just in case. The phones at the doctor's office were constantly busy all morning (turns out they were having a phone issue) as my spotting got heavier and could hardly be described as spotting anymore. I decided to leave work and just go in to the doctor's office to be on the safe side. They decided to order an ultrasound to see what was going on. When they did the ultrasound they found no evidence of pregnancy-at all. If a miscarriage was in progress they would have seen something, even if it was incomplete. So they ordered bloodwork so they could check the pregnancy hormone levels in my blood because they were concerned it could be an ectopic pregnancy. The bloodwork came back negative for the hormone. Ok, by this point I was not only upset but extremely confused. After much discussion and hypothesising my doctor concluded that most likely when I tested postitive in January that I was pregnant (one of the tests was done in my primary physician's office so it's hard to dispute) and that it was detected very early. This we already knew...we had determined that we detected the pregnancy within a week or so of conception. Most people don't realize they are pregnant until more like 4-6 weeks along. The doctor said that it is very common for women to miscarry extremely early in their pregnancies, some before they even realize they are pregnant, and that sometimes the miscarriages themselves go undetected. I had some very light spotting right around the time that I detected the pregnancy and I also got the flu right around then and had an extremely high fever for 2 days. These things combined increase the likelihood that I miscarried then and didn't even know it. I haven't had a pregnancy test since then...the pregnancy had already been confirmed so there was no reason to do more tests. So that's why I have gone so long without knowing that I wasn't actually pregnant. I'm not really sure how to feel about this. Of course I am disappointed....that goes without saying. But am I devastated? No. I feel a little betrayed by my own body for not giving me any clues that I was masquerading as pregnant, not actually pregnant. It does make sense though....the past two months I have been especially "tuned in" looking for the traditional signs of pregnancy-tender breasts, morning, sickness, cravings, food aversions, etc. and I have told my husband repeatedly that I just didn't feel pregnant. I convinced myself that I was having a lucky smooth pregnancy with none of the bad things. I guess in a way I sorta knew, but didn't. That doesn't make any sense....I know. The bad part of all this is that as the pregnancy (or lack thereof) progressed Doug and I felt more confident in it and had begun telling a few select friends in extreme secrecy. So now we have to explain that I'm not pregnant after all...oops? I know everyone will be very understanding and concerned and everything...it's just....I don't know.
I'm not really sure how to end this post. I'm fine, really. I guess I just need some time to process.

BTW, my apologies to any family or friends that knew about the pregnancy and find out about our bad news through this post. I'm sure you will understand that I am just not up to making a lot of phone calls tonight, but writing about it helps me deal with it a bit better.